Gakkounokotowohanasu School
by sf
Summary: AU Regardless of whether you're human, youkai or halfhumanhalfyoukai, one fact is universal School is a Bad Thing.
1. Episode I - Maths Lecture

Gakkounokotowohanasu [School]

Co-Authored by : sf and toes

Update log :

Jan 6th -

- 'Epside V - Part IV : Food And Other Stuff' uploaded. The side story is getting larger than the original ^_^. 

Dec 26th – 

- 'Episode V – Part III : Books' uploaded.

- I discovered that the conversion from .doc to .html by fanfiction.net didn't save the italics, and that the '...' had been converted to '.' (Microsoft Word symbols. Go figure). As a result, I've re-uploaded all chapters. There are _no_ literary changes to date to existing chapters to date.

- Log started, so that you know what's changed since the last time you came around.

Disclaimers – toes wants to own Kougaiji. From that, you can figure out that we don't own 'em. Not at all. Nope. [toes starts wailing]

Warnings – Humorous. Resemblence to any situations and/or people is probably intentional. May have some spoilers (Ep 1 – 26). Occasional instances of foul language. Unfortunately, there's no Yaoi/adult content. Not that we're biased, just straight. (Hey, we like originality ^_^). Our Japanese is non-existent, and hence may not be entirely accurate. (Just look at the title). Several lines have been quoted verbatim from the anime. This is based on translations from hanayume.net and the DVD subtitles (English). This is fully intentional. Enjoy. 

Preface :

Sf and toes are two very bored high school students. That's why we're writing this. Go figure. This project is ongoing. Each episode is effectively one story in itself, unless we tell you so. ^_^

Summary :

What if the Sanzo-ikkou and the Kougaiji gang entered the same school? Stuff happens. Go read.

Episode I – Maths Lecture

Goku simply couldn't take it anymore. 

"Ne, Sanzo?"

"What?" Sanzo grunted, busy copying the notation on the blackboard.

"I'm hungry," Goku whined, tugging on Sanzo's sleeve.

"There's no food."

"But I'm hungry!"

"Urusai!" Sanzo hissed in annoyance.

"But Sanz—"

*thwack*

"Owwwww!! What was that for?!" 

*thwack**thwack**thwack* 

"Ow ow ow!! Saannzo!!"

"Urusai!" 

By now they had succeeded in getting the attention of the entire class. Sanzo smacked his forehead. "Omae o korosu."

"Eep." Goku looked sheepishly about.

__

To be continued. Blame toes for being a slow writer.

***

Copyright 2001 – sf and toes


	2. Episode II - Philosophy Class

Episode II – Philisophy class

Gojyo wandered into the classroom. One of the first people he noticed was Sanzo in the back row, with a slightly pissed off expression. Well, slightly more pissed-off than normal expression.

"Eh? Wrong classroom?" he glanced up. #01-04. He looked back. Sanzo hadn't disappeared. In fact, he was pointedly staring in the opposite direction. _I'm sure I don't share classes with that bad-tempered monk!_

"You would be Sha Gojyo?" the teacher walked over.

"Er... yes..."

"You're late. Find a seat and sit down."

"Wait, what class is this?" Gojyo said frantically. 

A hush fell over the class. The teacher looked... well... annoyed is milder version of it. "Philosophy," he ground out. "You signed up for it."

"I sure as hell didn't."

The silence was deafening.

The teacher's face was an interesting shade of purple. He took a deep breath. "Yes you did. Now sit down."

Gojyo heard muttered conversation near the back of the classroom as he found a seat. 

"_No, I don't know him!_" That would be Sanzo.

"But you guys came together—"

"Urusai!"

Smirking, Gojyo sauntered over and sat down on the empty seat beside the monk. "Iie. On the contrary, Sanzo and I know each other really well. We could even be called best friends, ya know?"

There was a click. Gojyo looked down. There was a deadly pistol aimed at his ...family jewels. 

Gojyo sweatdropped. "Heh heh. That was just a joke. Right, Sanzo?" When Sanzo didn't respond, cold sweat started to break out on his forehead. 

"Err... I think I'll sit over there." He inched away.

The teacher was attempting to teach.

"So, what does everyone think of the 'Sanctity of Life'?"

He received a lot of blank stares in return. 

"Well?"

"..."

The teacher's veins were starting to pop out. Gojyo watched in fascination as they started to twitch. Funny how a philosophy teacher could get so worked up. He decided to take pity on the poor man. 

"People who kill for a living have to be prepared to be killed too. It's called the Cycle of Karma. That's something I picked up from this worldly monk somewhere." Gojyo glanced back at Sanzo.

Sanzo's head was buried in his hands.

The teacher stared. 

Gojyo gave a weak grin.

The seconds ticked away.

"Ask him," Gojyo said. He could _feel_ Sanzo's glare. 

The teacher cleared his throat. "So, Sanzo, could you ... elaborate?"

"..."

"Well?"

"Killing isn't necessarily evil. Just look at this world we live in. There's enough people who need killing to fill a whole garbage dump." Sanzo's last comment was pointedly directed towards Gojyo. 

This whole discussion was taking a very unexpected turn... 

Someone piped up. "But killing goes against the teachings of Buddha!"

"When someone's coming after you, it's kill or be killed," Gojyo shrugged.

"But it's not right!" the unfortunate soul insisted.

"Are you serious? If you want to get that close to the gods, then just drop dead," Sanzo growled. 

The whole class sweatdropped. 

Crickets chirped.

The teacher opened his mouth. "..—"

The bell rang.

Sanzo dragged Gojyo out of the classroom. "Do that again and..." there was an ominous click. Gojyo glanced at the pistol and raised his hands in mock surrender.

Sanzo dumped him on the floor and stalked off in disgust. "To think that I have live with this for a whole year..." 

"I heard that!" Gojyo yelled back.

Sanzo gave him the finger.

***

"HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!"

"Nani?" Hakkai looked up as Gojyo stormed in.

"What the hell am I doing in _philosophy?_ With Mister Worldly Monk?"

Hakkai smiled. "You did ask me to choose your subjects."

"But..." Gojyo spluttered.

"I take it that your first class went badly?"

Gojyo sank into a chair and groaned. "That's _one_ way of putting it."

***

Copyright 2001 – sf and toes


	3. Episode III - Corridor Encounter

Episode III – Corridor Encounter

Goku ran into Sanzo. Quite literally, in fact.

"Oof!" 

"$#%@$!!!!" 

Thoughts of momentum and kinematics flashed briefly across Goku's mind as they fell backwards.

Well, Sanzo fell backwards. Goku ... landed on Sanzo.

"BAKAZARU!!!!"

Sanzo was in a bad mood. In fact, Sanzo was in a _very_ bad mood. 

"Get the FUCK off me!"

"Ne, ne, I'm trying!" 

Someone sniggered nearby. Two guys swaggered over. "I thought that monks weren't supposed to get into such things," the taller of the two said.

There was an explosion from somewhere in front, a whistling sound beside his ear, and the sound of two projectiles travelling at high speed embedding themselves in the wall less than an inch away from his head.

"You missed, dude."

The shorter one nudged him furiously and pointed. The gun was now pointing at the space directly between his eyes. 

"The next bullet goes straight through your numbskull," the owner of the gun grated.

"I'm not afraid of you, sucker."

"I wouldn't say that, if I were you," a pleasant voice said from somewhere behind. 

They spun. A man in green stood some distance away, a little white dragon perched on his shoulder. "Sanzo could put a bullet right through your eye at 500 meters."

"The left eye," Goku added.

They didn't move, frozen in shock. "This is where you run away," Hakkai prompted them softly.

"Right, yes!" the shorter one grabbed his companion's arm. "Let's get out of here!"

"What is this?!" a new voice cried in shock. They turned. The vice principal was staring at the two bullet holes in the wall. He glanced at the gun in Sanzo's hand. "You have to pay for this, you know."

Violet eyes narrowed, and the Death Glare that hit him had the force of a bus travelling at 70 miles per hour. The VP stepped back, but refused to yield. "If you don't, I'll have to confiscate the gun."

Sanzo practically threw the Gold Card at him. 

"Well... yes..." the VP coughed. "This should do. Come with me. What's your name?"

"He's in a bad mood. I wouldn't push my luck, if I were you," Hakkai whispered.

"I'm afraid that shooting fellow students isn't allowed. It's strictly against the rules."

"Stop wasting my time, or I waste you," Sanzo snarled. He snapped the safety on the gun off.

"Hey, hey, calm down..." the VP said frantically. "How about... you pay for the damages, we fix up the wall, and none of us will ever mention this again?"

"Just hurry the fuck up."

"Sannnzzzzzoooooo... I'm hungry!" Goku wailed.

Sanzo spun around and delivered several well-placed blows with his paper fan. Hakkai hid a grin. The VP just stared.

"What was that for?" Goku demanded.

"Shut up, bakazaru!" Sanzo stormed off, the VP in tow.

Goku turned to Hakkai. "Haaaaakkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaiii... I need money to get food! Please? Please? Please?"

Hakkai smiled. "Alright, alright. Just don't be late for your next lesson..."

Goku looked at the wall clock. "I think I already am..."

***

Copyright 2001 – sf and toes


	4. Episode IV - Swimming Lessons

Episode IV – Swimming Lessons

Goku and Gojyo looked at the pool.

"Swimming lessons?" Goku asked.

"At least that monk isn't here to drown us," Gojyo grumbled.

A fan spiralled out of nowhere and smacked him hard across the head.

"Itai!" Gojyo glared around. Somewhere at the other end of the pool, a white-clad figure stalked off. 

"Well, there's stuff to be done," Gojyo muttered, and sidled up a female member of the class. "Hey babe. How about some extra 'swimming' lessons this evening, hm?" he asked, with a huge wink. 

He got a slap in the face for his pains.

"Listen up! I want all of you in the pool now!" the instructor yelled.

"What?! We're supposed to get in there?!" Gojyo freaked.

"What's wrong with it? You're a kappa, aren't you?" Goku looked genuinely nonplussed.

"I—"

"IN THE POOL!" the instructor bellowed.

Goku leapt up and gave Gojyo a healthy shove. 

"Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!" 

There was a massive splash, and a series of smaller ones. Through the mist, Gojyo could be seen thrashing around in desperation. "I CAN'T SWIM!"

Goku sweatdropped.

The instructor stalked over and fished Gojyo bodily out. "Where were you when I asked all non-swimmers to join the group on my left?" he demanded angrily.

"I _do_ swim. Just that I prefer to do it in bed," Gojyo grumbled.

Goku sweatdropped again.

"Are there any other beginners in this group?" the instructor said, ignoring him.

"Getting hit on by a guy is a bad way to start my day," Gojyo sighed. 

"Look, let's get you to the right group, shall we?" Goku said. 

Gojyo spun around. "It's all your fault, you stupid monkey! You're the one who pushed me into the water!"

"What do you mean, it's _my_ fault? You're the one who wasn't listening, you stupid kappa!"

"Who are you calling a stupid kappa?"

"You! A kappa who can't swim!"

"Bakazaru!"

"Cockroach!"

"Idi—" 

"Go drown yourselves, will you?!" the instructor turned around and yelled, shoving both of them into the pool.

"AHHH~!!!!! I'M DROWNING!" Gojyo yelled.

"Stand UP, baka! The water isn't even up to my shoulders!" Goku snapped.

Gojyo's face turned an interesting shade of red to match his hair. 

"Great... now we don't even need Sanzo to do the honors..." Goku muttered.

***

Copyright 2001 – sf and toes


	5. Ep V - Shopping - Part I - The Journey

__

Notes: 

This is a little side-story arc that I started working on, thanks to a couple of ideas from toes. The usual story will continue shortly (yes, yes, Kougaiji will make an appearance soon...).

Episode V – Shopping – Part I : The Journey

It was Sunday. 

It was Sunday, which meant that they were eating at home... which meant that Goku had rapidly depleted all their food supplies. 

After lunch, Hakkai announced that they would be going shopping that afternoon.

Goku leapt up in anticipation. "Sannnnnnnzzzzzooooooooo—"

Sanzo calmly thwacked him over the head with his paper fan.

"ITAI! What was that for?"

"Hn." Sanzo glanced out of the window. "I'll go with you."

Hakkai's eyebrows rose. "Nani?"

"Don't make me repeat myself." Sanzo tossed a satchel to Goku and headed for the door. 

"There's just a slight problem," Hakkai said, with his usual bright smile. 

"What's that?" Gojyo asked.

"Hakuryuu is still sick. We have to take the subway."

Goku rushed over to the bed, where Hakuryuu was curled up and dozing. "Hakuryuu! You can't be sick! No!" he shook the little dragon.

Hakuryuu spun around and bit him.

"ITAI! What was that for?"

"Maa, maa, leave him alone, Goku," Hakkai said hurriedly, as Hakuryuu wriggled out of Goku's hands and flopped back onto the bed, glaring with red beady eyes.

"Baka," Sanzo murmured.

"Hakkai?" Goku asked.

"Hai."

"Are subways good to eat?"

***

The quarrel started when they were on the train.

"I want meat buns!" Goku insisted, grabbing the shopping list from Gojyo.

"Bakasaru. Always thinking of your stomach."

"Better than an ero-kappa!"

"Better how? I bet you can't answer that!"

"Stupid kappa!"

"Stupid monkey!"

"Dumb ass!"

"You don't even know what an ass is!"

"Do too!"

They had attracted the attention of the entire carriage. Sanzo's head was buried in his hands, a vein pop-out clearly visible. Hakkai smiled apologetically.

"Doors closing," the intercomm system announced.

Sanzo glanced up. And swore.

He dived out of the train, as the little blinky lights started flashing to indicate that the doors were about to close.

Hakkai followed on his heels.

The other two were a little slower. Gojyo, sharper than Goku, was out of train while the monkey was still asking "Nani?" Fortunately, Goku's reflexes were good. He literally leapt out of the carriage, as the doors swished shut a hair's breadth behind.

Unfortunately, his landing wasn't so good. 

"WAHHHHH!!!" he slammed into Gojyo, who slammed into Hakkai, who slammed into Sanzo, who slammed into the floor. 

For a tense moment, there was just the sound of the train speeding off behind them. 

Then Sanzo exploded. "BAKAZARU!"

*thump* *thump* *thumpthumpthump*

"ITAIIII!!!!!!!"

"STUPID DUMB ASS MONKEY!"

*thump* *thump* *thumpthumpthump* *THWACK*

"Sanzo, calm down," Hakkai said worriedly. "The whole station is watching us."

Sanzo growled, shoved the paper fan into his sleeve pocket, and stormed off. 

The quarrel picked up where it had left off.

"Stupid ape. If you hadn't been jumping up and down, we wouldn't have come so close to missing our stop." Gojyo said.

"What do you mean if _I_? You were the one who started it!" Goku snarled back, still clutching his head in pain. 

"Yeah, but who was the one who continued it?"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

There was an ominous click of a gun being cocked. 

The two combatants signed an unspoken peace treaty immediately.

***

Copyright 2001, sf and toes


	6. Episode V - Part II - Food

Episode V – Part II : Food

They were in the middle of the supermarket when Goku's stomach did the Rumble in D Major. 

"Sannzooooooo!!!! I'm hungry!" Goku whined. When there was no response, he glanced around. No sight of any of his companions. Just rows and rows of glorious food... He shrugged. He wasn't exactly sure how this supermarket thing worked, but the rest had been picking items off the shelf, so why not? 

The peach was halfway to his mouth when the paper fan connected with the back of his head. The peach flew out of his hand, before Sanzo reached out and caught it.

"Sanzo! But I'm hungry!"

"You have to pay for this before you can eat it," Hakkai explained.

"You've never been to a supermarket before?" Gojyo asked. He turned to Sanzo. "Where have you been keeping him? In a closet?"

"Never any need to visit supermarkets before this," Sanzo shrugged, and replaced the peach. 

"Yeah. The peaches on the trees at the monastry are free, and the monks are always leaving food around in front of those statues..." Goku bubbled. 

Gojyo stared at him for a long moment, then burst out laughing. "You ate the... _what_?"

"Nani? Is something wrong?" Goku asked.

Sanzo turned away with an unreadable expression on his face, but his shoulders shook. 

"Man, you are _priceless!_" Gojyo howled, clutching his stomach.

"Nani? But I'm not for sale!"

Hakkai sweatdropped. "Let's go before Goku dies from hunger..."

***

The cashier was surprised when a red-haired guy sidled up to her and winked. "Hey, back in line, you!"

"Mmm. I have spare time in the evening just for a gorgeous babe like you," Gojyo hinted not-so-subtly.

She blushed. 

"What do you say to that? Just you and I, none of these long lines and waiting crowds," Gojyo leaned forward to place an arm around her shoulders.

There was a crackle as a paper fan made an appearance somewhere behind him. "We're here to pick up groceries, not women!" Sanzo snapped.

Gojyo sweatdropped. "Uhhh, another time, babe."

Someone had the bad grace to laugh. "Looks like your lover's jealous, red-head."

"KOROSU!"

The same someone had to duck as a bullet zapped past. Sanzo cocked the hammer of his gun quite deliberately. 

The cashier went wide-eyed. "Oh, that was so cool! Say, are you free this evening?" she was looking straight at Sanzo.

Everyone sweatdropped.

Gojyo was the first to start laughing. "Oh, Sanzo-sama, looks like you have a date!"

Even Goku picked up on this one. "Sanzo, I never knew you had it in you!"

"Look, just pay so that we can get the hell out of here," Sanzo muttered to Hakkai.

"Hai," Hakkai smiled sweetly. "So you won't be joining us for dinner?"

"SHUT UP!"

Copyright sf and toes, 2001


	7. Episode V - Part III - Books

Episode V – Part III : Books  
_Author's Note : sf - Be warned. I was on a caffiene high when I wrote this, and I'm *definitely* going for the dramatic here._

"Hakkai! Check this out!" 

"Nani?" Hakkai looked over to where Goku was perched precariously on top of a ladder. "Goku, come down."

"Check this out _first_!"

"Since when did a bakazaru have much interest in books, any way?" Gojyo asked.

"I wasn't talking to you, you ero-kappa! I don't care for _your_ kind of books!" Goku snapped. The ladder wobbled. "Whoops."

"I'm coming," Hakkai sighed. And _sotto voce _to Gojyo : "Can you... ah... read something other than... uh... romances?"

"These aren't romances," Gojyo smirked. "Romances are nothing compared to these."

"My point precisely!" Hakkai hissed. "And don't let Goku get his hands on any of your Playboy magazines either!"

Gojyo just smirked some more.

Hakkai sighed, and wandered across the book store to where Goku was starting to hop up and down with impatience. "Ne, Goku?"

Goku waved a book. "Look, it's _all about food!_ It has these _huge_ pictures of food... cooking directions, and names of all the good eateries around here! Can I buy it? Hakkai? Please?"

"I knew it!" Gojyo said. "Food, food and food. Can't you control your damn appetite?"

"As much as you can control your damn hormones!" Goku raged.

"Daft monkey."

"You—" Goku's balance vacated him. "_Wahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!_"

Down came Goku, ladder and all.

The book, a very large, hard-cover, leather-bound, metal buckled edition with about 3,600 pages, came down on Hakkai's head.

A deathly hush fell over the book store as Hakkai hit the ground with an audible thump. His eyes formed two interesting 'X'es. A clump of dust slid off the shelf and into his mouth.

"Hakkai? Hakkai? Wake up!" Goku panicked.

"BAKAZARU!!" The paper fan came crashing down like a Bolt of Doom. 

*THUMP*

"What did you do that for? Saaaaaannnnnnzooooooooo!!!!" Goku backed away, and crashed into the bookshelf. There was a rumble.

A book fell off the shelf.

Like an avalanche, the rest followed.

"Shiiiiit!" Sanzo swore, as books bounced off his head and shoulders. "I'm going to _KILL _you, you bloody ape!" More books came slamming down. And more. And more. 

The shelf toppled over, hitting the next shelf. Which toppled, hitting the next. Like dominos, row after row of shelves collapsed, burying unfortunate browsers. Books fluttered down, books crunched down, books _rained_ down. Blue, red, yellow, green, white, black... it really was a very pretty sight. The screams only added to the flavor.

Mayhem ensued for the better part of 3 minutes.

Finally, the noise subsided. For another long moment, all was still.

Then Gojyo started laughing. He couldn't help it. Clutching his sides, he stared at the mess and laughed his head off.

There was a rustle of paper, then Goku's head burst out from a pile of books. He looked frantically around. "Oh no... did I do that?"

Sanzo emerged rather more slowly. The glare that he delivered Goku could have melted steel. (Unfortunately, Goku's a bit tougher than that.) 

"San..." Goku gulped.

Four vein pop-outs were clearly visible. 

Gojyo convulsed in laughter again.

"What happened?" Hakkai's voice drifted back out from under the pile of books.

No one replied. A few lightning bolts flashed through the air between Sanzo and Goku. 

"Sanzo... can I buy that book?" Goku asked, with what he hoped was disarming charm. 

"You-Stupid-Dumb-ass-Good-for-nothing-BAKAZAAAAAARRRRRRUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!"

*SMACK**SMACK**SMACK**THUMP**THUMP**THUMP*

"IIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!" 

*THUMP**THUMP**THUMP**CRUNCH*

The paper fan snapped in half. Sanzo glared at it and pulled out a spare.

*THUMP**THUMP**THUMP*

"Maa, maa, stop it before someone gets killed..." Hakkai choose that moment to crawl out from under the book pile. He also had the ill-fortune to come between Sanzo's fan and Goku's head.

*THUMP*

"--..." Hakkai collapsed again.

Sanzo slapped his forehead. "Che. I don't know any of you!" he turned and stomped out of the book store.

"Looks like you'll be clearing up this mess for the rest of the day, saru!" Gojyo smirked. "And explaining that nice lump on Hakkai's forehead to him when he wakes up."

"I.. I.. but..." Goku looked helplessly around.

"But what?"

"But I'm hungry!"

***


	8. Episode V - Part IV - Food and Other Stu...

Episode V - Part IV - Food and Other Stuff

Despite all Goku could do, it was almost an hour before they had the bookstore more or less straightened out. The shelving of books took a long, long time. Fortunately, with Hakkai's help, and Gojyo's somewhat more reluctant assistance, the three youkai were able to sort things out with well... inhuman speed. Then they ran into trouble.

"What do you mean we have to pay?" Goku demanded. "We didn't break anything!"

"You crushed two shelves and damaged a whole mountain of books, and you claim that you didn't break anything?"

"Yeah, he just crushed them," Gojyo muttered.

Goku looked pissed. "Oh very well. I'll go and look for Sanzo."

Looking for Sanzo turned out to be harder than expected. The priest had walked out two hours earlier, and now he had completely disappeared. Goku raced from level to level, peering into shops, and finally came to a halt fifteen breathless minutes later. Defeated, he went back to the bookstore to look for Hakkai.

"You can't find him?" Gojyo asked. "Looks like he's finally decided to dump you, you dumbass ape. It would serve you right too."

"Maa, maa," Hakkai said, a little wearily. "Gojyo, why don't you help him look? We can't continue without Sanzo, anyway." _We can't even get home, because we can't pay for the transportation!_

Gojyo smirked. "Let the master show you how you go about doing this."

He sauntered out into the middle of the shopping centre, took a deep breath, and bellowed: 

"SANZO! YOU STINKY, MISERLY, MUMBO-JUMBO MONK! I BET YOU'RE SNUGGLING IN SOME CORNER-"

He ducked the moment he heard the gunshots, and escaped instant death by a hair's span. Unfortunately, he never saw the fan as it came crashing down from behind. 

Goku's eyes went wide as he watched Sanzo's attempts to pulverize Gojyo into a paste with nothing more than a paper fan. _Nothing more? That thing's a deadly weapon in itself!_

Thump, thump, and thumpety thump.

After he had broken his last fan and reduced Gojyo to a little puddle on the floor, Sanzo finally regained his composure. Goku piped up, "Sanzo, we need to pay for damages--"

"Ch'!" Sanzo glared at the pile of broken fans, then rolled up his sleeve and cuffed Goku across the head with his fist instead. 

"ITAI! What was that for?!!"

"For causing this in the first place!" Sanzo raged at him, and stormed off in the general direction of the bookstore.

Gojyo looked up and grinned weakly. "Well, it worked, didn't it?"

Hakkai wandered up. "What did you do to Sanzo? He's in a really foul mood. Even fouler than usual." He looked down. "Oh dear."

Goku's eyes widened as Hakkai pulled a broom and a dustpan out of his spandex space and began sweeping up what remained of Gojyo. "Don't worry, we'll have you back in shape in no time," the green-eyed man smiled.

***

It was inevitable that they would end up in a restaurant again sooner or later. Sanzo would definitely have preferred later. (If it was late enough, they might only have to eat twice during the entire trip) Unfortunately, after the morning's exertions, Goku was already close to fainting from hunger. In fact, he _did _faint, and went thumping down the escalator.

The rest of the Sanzo-ikkou watched in amazement as the monkey tipped backwards and tumbled down the next few steps, gathering momentum. Several people who saw him coming were fast enough to duck to one side, but those below had Goku slamming into them at full speed.

What happened next can be likened to a row of dominos tipping over, no... more it was more like an avalanche, since it gathered mass and speed as it went down. By the time the whole mess hit the ground, it was a huge tangle of arms and legs. The only things getting out of the pile were curses, and the sound of Goku's stomach rumbling.

Hakkai looked and Sanzo and Gojyo. "This is where we disappear," he prompted.

"I second that," Gojyo said. 

Goku found them waiting for him in a discrete corner. One glance at Sanzo's face warned him that there would be trouble Real Soon Now.

So he wasn't surprised when Sanzo grabbed him by the front of his shirt and shook him until his teeth rattled. "Any more of that, and _no more food_ for the rest of the day!" the priest snarled, then cuffed him across the ear for good measure.

"_NO MORE FOOD???!!!!!_" Goku wailed. "SANZOOOO! How can you be so CRUEL?!"

Sanzo ignored him and stalked off.

***

"And roast duck, and roast chicken, and beef cubes, and braised tofu, and fried noodles, and--"

"That's enough."

"Dumplings, and meatbuns, and crab--"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!!!" Sanzo roared, snatching the menu out of Goku's hands.

"Add a beer to that," Gojyo smirked, and leaned back.

The other patrons stared.

Gojyo had insisted that they take a long table for eight, and he was seated at the end furthest from Sanzo. Goku and Hakkai were seated somewhere in the middle, Goku on the same side as Sanzo, but one seat down for safety's sake.

"So what else do we have to pick up?" Hakkai asked. 

"FOOD!" Goku piped up immediately.

"Chicks," Gojyo added. 

"Paper fans," Sanzo said pointedly. Goku gulped.

"Oh yes, we need new cutlery," Hakkai said cheerfully.

"What do we need cutlery for? Saru doesn't use cutlery, and Sanzo's tongue is sharp enough to cut through anything."

Hakkai had to intervene to stop Sanzo from shooting Gojyo on the spot.

Gojyo grinned weakly and eased his way even further down the table. Hakkai leaned over. "This isn't Piss-Off-Sanzo day, Gojyo. I'd hate to have to put you back together if Sanzo really loses his temper."

"What? You mean Mister Worldly Monk hasn't lost his temper yet?"

"I think... it can probably get worse," Hakkai replied, as another vein started ticking in Sanzo's forehead.

When the food arrived, it was evident that, safety margins between Sanzo and Gojyo aside, the Sanzo-ikkou _did_ need all the space it could get... for the dishes.

46 dishes (in the largest size available), not inclusive of the three soup courses, arrived. They were joined by the small mountains of beer cans accumulated on Sanzo's and Gojyo's ends of the table, and the bottles of Sake stacking up in front of Hakkai. Goku didn't bother to let things stack up in front of him. By the middle of the meal, he was already standing on the table, steadily eating his way from one end to the other. 

When he finally finished working his way through the entire lot, the other diners sighed and turned their attention back to their food.

Then the second helping arrived.

Goku gave a cry of delight as he bounced out of his seat, and resumed eating. For a long, long time, there was just sound of food being consumed at the rate of 5 dishes per minute. 

But the peace couldn't last.

"That's _my _meat roll!" Goku thundered.

"Ha. I can eat it if I want, bakazaru!" Gojyo smirked back, popping it into his mouth.

"YOU LOUSY KAPPA! Give it back!" Goku lunged across the table. Gojyo danced out of reach and picked up the last meatroll with his chopsticks. "This one's mine."

"NO! You've already eaten eight of them! The last one is mine!" Goku scrabbled wildly for it.

"Come and get it."

"GAHHHHHHH!!!!"

There was a _click_ from the other end of the table.

"No more food for the rest of the day," Sanzo threatened in a low voice.

Goku deflated immediately. "But Saaannnnzzzoooooooooooooo..."

Sanzo cocked the hammer of the Exorcism Gun again. "But what?"

"Er... nothing."

"I think we ought to be going," Hakkai cut in. 

"High time," Sanzo snorted. "Oi, Goku! Stop licking the plates!"

***


End file.
